Easter addresses offer surprise The Pope and the Archbishop of Canterbury have today given their Easter addresses to followers of their faiths today. Pope Benedict XVI has used his traditional Easter Sunday address to urge the world's Catholics to help him find the remote control for the Papal Telly as he can't find it anywhere. Addressing the devout in St Peter's Square, he asked for spiritual support and for the congregation to help with prayer. 'I haven't seen Bargain Hunt for days,' he preached, bringing tears to the eyes of many followers. 'On a day such as this, I call on you all to pray for God to help me in my task of finding the remote.' At that point, a divine light of realisation came to his eyes and he ran from the balcony. Some worshippers heard him muttering about the back of the sofa, and many present believed it to be a holy miracle. In London, the Archbishop of Canterbury also gave his Easter speech. In it, he claimed he'd had enough of this Bible nonsense, declaring that it is: '...better to find your own version of God within your heart and try to make a better world through independent action, instead of living a life based around a 2000-year-old doctrine that has been translated and interpreted and edited so much it no longer has any relevance.' He then lit a spliff which he'd hidden in his cassock and claimed that the Stone Roses had all the secrets. 'How many times do I have to tell you?' he asked. 'You don't have to wait to die. You can have it all any time you want it - the Kingdom's all inside.' Posted on 23rd March by El Queso Grande