Hazard performance improves in line with ten year plan Accidents caused by dangerously placed objects have shown an increase of 12% in the last year, according to a report from the Department for Random Hazards, released today. The detailed report shows that while stumbles over uneven pavements have slipped for the fourth year in succession, the department's strategy of danger diversification is paying dividends. Lester Bandage, Spokesperson for the Department for Random Hazards, claimed the report highlights the value of his department. 'Left to their own devices, members of the public have a tendency to hurt themselves in only very limited ways, such as trapping their fingers in doors and spilling hot tea in their lap. Thanks to the sterling work of our department, injury now comes in a variety of altogether more exciting forms.' Bandage was keen to point out that more people than ever before were tripping over carelessly placed stools in bars, cunningly situated by the department's crack team of hazard placers, while falls down uncovered manholes have nearly doubled in the last twelve months. The Shadow Secretary of State for Random Hazards, Francis Plumm-Plimm was quick to dismiss the report as papering over the cracks of the department. He said: 'What this report really shows is that the department is going about its work haphazardly. Instead of focusing on expensive, modern hazards such as live wires protruding from telephone boxes, the department should be focusing on more traditional danger, such as bizarrely-located bollards and cyclists jumping red lights.' Posted 14th March 2008 by El Queso Grande