An interview with a vampire After literally minutes of good, solid journalism The Rag can publish its interview with a vampire. Occult and Made-Up Scary Stuff correspondent, Rob Crunchie, met with Count Quentin Dracul in his big, spooky castle on the edge of some creepy woods near Tring. Rob Crunchie: Your Countness, it is an honour to finally meet with you and I'd like to start the interview by saying thank you, on behalf of our readers, for speaking to The Rag. Count Dracul: Call me Quentin, please, and the pleasure is all mine I assure you. Hiding from flaming torch-bearing mobs can be so tiresome. RC: So does that still happen? You get mobs on your doorstep? CD: Of course, dear boy. It's in the rules of vampiring. I have to have a big castle, local villagers have to try and drive me out of town, yada yada yada. Of course, it's even worse when they bring along those damn pitchforks. Such a cliche, don't you think? RC: Erm, well... CD: Of course, that doesn't happen all of the time. Sometimes I get sent some terrible food from the villagers, way too much garlic. Ruins the flavour of everything. Still, I appreciate them taking the time to do it anyway, even if only for the look of the thing. RC: But doesn't garlic kill vampires? CD: (Laughing) No, of course it doesn't, darling! That was just an old rumour that started a few hundred years ago. I don't have the heart to tell the villagers, they try so hard. Let me tell you though, it's just as well I can have garlic - Igor's cooking needs all the help it can get. RC: Igor? CD: Yes, my life partner, Igor. He's not much to look at these days, but there's something about that hump, it does things to me. Besides, I think having an Igor about the place is also probably in the rules somewhere. RC: Yes, I think you're probably right. So tell me, Count Dracul... CD: Quentin, dear, Quentin. Please. Count Dracul makes me sound so stuffy... RC: Quentin, right, sorry. So tell me then, have you been vampiring for long? CD: Well, it depends on what you mean by long, really. Back in 1450 or so I started, which isn't long in the vampiring business. I'm only just beginning to get the hang of it now.  I joined at the peak time for vampiring, of course. It was a bit of a crowded marketplace really, with so many witches around and we had a lot more werewolves in those days too, but of course, they were mostly burned or shot with silver bullets. RC: So, tell me about those early days. What was it like starting out as a vampire? CD: Firstly, those fangs took some getting used to, believe me. They're a damn inconvenience when you are trying to eat an apple. I even have to drink my wine from the bottle now because the fangs stop me getting a glass anywhere near my mouth. RC: They do sound inconvenient, but surely they come in handy when you have to bite the necks of young women... CD: Oh, please. That is really not my style. Biting the necks of young women is so passe. And why do these women always have to have heaving bosoms? It's sooo tedious. I admit, I did try the whole neck-biting thing when I was younger, but my heart was never really in it. Igor didn't like me doing it either, so these days I go to my coffin at sunrise with a good book and a nice cup of cocoa. RC: Right. Moving on then, I'm sure everyone wants to know - do you enjoy being a vampire? CD: Well, being a vampire is not all it's cracked up to be. The dry cleaning bills are a fortune for a start. All that evening wear. These starched collars are so uncomfortable too, they really are. As for the cape - don't even get me started on that. RC: But surely turning into a bat is pretty cool though? CD: It's quite fun, I admit, but I've never managed to figure out how to use my sonar properly and I keep flying into trees. Igor has to keep coming to my rescue. Bless him, he's such a sweetie. Anyway, I really have to dash - Igor is at his salsa class tonight and I simply must get the place looking nice for him. RC: Er, OK, thank you for your time, Quentin. Posted 16th March 2008 by Rob Crunchie